Some weeks back, on a rather slow sad day I just wanted to step out of home, meet a friend, talk over a coffee and call it a day. So, I called some friends. One by one. About 5 of them. Turned out, all of them were busy due to work or personal reasons and couldn’t meet. That was the last straw to make my mood to go for a toss. I can’t begin to tell you how upset I was that evening. It was like I wanted to talk to a friend and there was no one. Then I just took out on my own. Went out for a walk around the office building. There were so many thoughts in my head. I knew I couldn’t blame any of the friends for not turning up for I had not told them I was in a bad mood and besides, they all were busy. That evening got me thinking. Until the next incident.
Another time, I set out to meet a friend in another part of the city after work which was very late in the night. Turned out that person got stuck up somewhere and couldn’t make it. It was pretty late in the night, another corner of Mumbai and I had no one to turn to. To decode some sense of what had just happened, I sat in a coffee shop alone forcing myself to come out of denial, confront my feelings and accept them. That night was the final nail in the coffin.
I realized I was a sadist, putting myself in pain every time and enjoying that pain, those tears. Every single time. I realized I didn’t love myself enough. I realized I was always seeking happiness in things beyond my control. I realized I was too dependent on others to make me happy and I was always looking for assurance from people.
I then understood the meaning of the best relationship you will ever have is with your own self. Yes, you need friends and family, random strangers and acquaintances to teach you lessons, to be around you and support you when you need it. But come to think of it, in the end it will always be your life, your problem, your pain and your struggle.
Some lessons that life, people and experiences have taught me:
• Let go of relationships that drain you emotionally. It’s easier said than done but if you do it, you will find more time for yourself
• Listen to your hunch. It will never betray you
• Spend time with yourself. Just you and you alone
• It is ok to be selfish
• If it makes you happy and you can answer yourself, do whatever you like
• Nobody is perfect. It is important to stay positive and confident of yourself always. Never ever lower your guards
• Time is really precious. You decide how you want to spend the hours after work or weekends
• Don’t say yes to everything
• Surround yourself with people who love you and that will enrich your life in a way you wouldn’t know
• Remind yourself every moment that you are doing good
I am no great shakes when it comes to following it all but I am trying. And that is very important. Yes, trying is important. Atleast I am aware now.
There is this last scene in Sex and the City last episode, last season. I may have watched it so many times but that dialogue makes sense now. It goes like:
“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”
So chop chop people! Let’s start a fabulous day with a fabulous you! 🙂