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Secretive Writer

Random Ramblings .. I write.. I live… I love..

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Love

This is to you,Ms. PG..

To the girl who sang with me.. Tu pyaar hai kisi aur ka..

To the girl who taught me to live my life..

To the Girl who made life special, just by being in it..

To the Girl who makes me smile, no matter what the situation is..

To my kiddo...

This is to you, PG.. (she chose the name,once)

For being there, when I needed you ..
For telling me it was okay, not to hold everything thing together..
For telling me it was okay to fall apart..
For making pop-corns when I was hungry..
For cooking the special dal.. uppar se masale wali..
For being the mad girl who I hugged and crieed in middle of our park..
For being the kid you are.. for teaching me to live..
This is for crying over the phone because you’re thinking about death. This is for never, ever crying otherwise and avoiding all the nautanki.
This is to all the shots and the cakes you made..
This is for all those lunches at every possible place.. For Sunlight.. This is to nachos and Cheese Paprika Fries and sharing Coke.
This is to eating with you because everyone else cares too much about their weight to eat like we do..
This is for the ugao-khao dreams..
This is for movies..and saturdays..
This is for wanting to drink beer and hating it..
This is to you doing the most messed up things in the world and still being perfect.
This is because you know everything about everyone. I don’t know how you do it. This is to you being so social and complaining about it.
This is for our Kalaghoda stair’s moment and the ‘raahat’ ki saans..
This is for the antakshari through the night.
This is to you for being everything that I could have wished in a sister..
This is to you because you’re the only person I could drink with and not feel guilty about it. This is to you for telling me how it’s okay for me doing what I want with whoever I want and not feeling guilty about anything ever.. This is because this post was long over due.
This is because I don’t know where you are right now.. or if you will ever read this..but I miss you terribly..heart-breaking terribly..
This is because I type you a mail everyday and can’t send it..
This is to all the years, laughter, few tears, all the jokes, the food, the sitting in park together, the bus-car rides, bad hair days, bad face days, bad days and the brilliant you and me days. This is for being the nicest friend n the best daughter ever.

I wish I ccould write more, but I can’t put everything that you have been into words.. So all I am gonna say is..

I love you, PG. I do. Always !

I miss You !

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45 Characters..

Cold, quiet nights.
A song that plays
again and again.

Song : Chaandaniya

A movie that will always stay as ‘Our Movie’. A song that you told me speaks your heart when we were apart.. Every song is a reminder..Every word is a reflection of my feeling..

Lyrics :

Tujh bin suraj mein aag nahi re,
Tujh bin koyal mein raag nahi re,
Chaandaniya to barse..
Phir kyun mere haath andhere lagde ne..

Haa tujh bin phaagun mein phaag nahi re,
Haa tujh bin jaage bhi jaag nahi re,
Tere bina… o mahiya..
Din dariya, rain jazeere lagde ne
Adhoori adhoori adhoori kahaani, adhoora alvida..

Yunhi yunhi raina jaaye adhoore sadaa
Adhoori adhoori adhoori kahaani, adhoora alvida
Yunhi yunhi raina jaaye adhoore sadaa

Kedi teri naraazgi
Gal sun le raaz ki
Jism ye kya hai, khokhli seepi
Rooh da moti hai tu…
Garaz ho jitni teri
Badle mein jindadi meri
Mere saare bikhre suron se geet piroti hai tu
O mahiya… tere sitam, tere karam
Dono lutere lagde ne

Tujh bin suraj mein aag nahi re
Tujh bin koyal mein raag nahi re
Chaandaniya to barse
Phir kyun mere haath andhere lagde ne

Adhoori adhoori adhoori kahaani, adhoora alvida
Yunhi yunhi raina jaaye adhoore sadaa
Adhoori adhoori adhoori kahaani, adhoora alvida
Yunhi yunhi raina jaaye adhoore sadaa

Phir kyun mere haath andhere lagde ne
Tere bina… o mahiya
Din dariya, rain jazeere lagde ne……

Yunhi yunhi raina jaaye adhoore sadaa
Adhoori adhoori adhoori kahaani, adhoora alvida
Yunhi yunhi raina jaaye adhoore sadaa

Untitled Ramblings

Maybe it wasn’t supposed to go this way. Not end like this. Maybe this wasn’t where she was supposed to be. Maybe some place else, maybe not alone.
The coffee had gone cold and it lay long forgotten. Just like so many other coffees did. With so many people. It lay unfinished. Like so many other things did. With so many people.
She looked at it for a while more and then started to drink it.
She looked out of the window for a while more.
And then she left.

My song of the moment..

This isn’t a song that I fell in love with when I first heard it.. I paid attention to it when I overheard “him” saying that he loves this song.. Especially this version..

Today.. It speaks my heart out..

For a memory.. For a moment I had with you.. This is the song of the moment..

Lyrics :

Na aaye ho, na aaoge
Na phone pe, bulaoge
Na shaam ki, karaari chai
Labhon se yun, pilaoge

Na aaye ho, na aaoge..
Na din dhale sataoge..
Na raat ki, nashili bat
Se neend mein jagaoge..

Gaye tum …gaye ho kyun…
Yeh raat baaki hain…
Gaye tum gaye ho kyun…
Saath baaki hain..

Gaye tum gaye.. hum tham gaye..
Har baat baaki hain..
Gaye kyun..
Toh jiyein kyun..

Na aaye ho, na aaoge
Na dooriyan, dhikhaoge
Na thaam ke..woh josh mein
Yun hosh se..udaoge

Na aaye ho, na aaoge
Na jhooth se, sunaoge
Na rooth ke, sirhane mein
Remote ko, chhupaoge

Gaye tum …gaye ho kyun
Yeh raat baaki hain
Gaye tum …gaye ho kyun
Saath baaki hain

Gaye tum gaye ..hum tham gaye,
Har baat baaki hain..
Gaye kyun..
Toh jiyein kyun..

Aankh bhi tham gayi, na thaki
Raat bhi na bati, na kati
Yeh raat bhi chedti marti..

Neend bhi lutt gayi, chin gayi
Raat bhi na sahi na rahi..
Yeh raat bhi laazmi zaalmi

Gaye tum gaye ho kyun
Yeh raat baaki hain
Gaye tum gaye ho kyun
Saath baaki hain

Gaye tum gaye hum tham gaye
Har baat baaki hain
Gaye kyun..
Toh jiyein kyun..

Gaye kyun, jiyein kyun..

Jiyein kyun..

Na aaye ho, na aaoge
Na phone pe, bulaoge
Na shaam ki, karaari chai
Labhon se yun churaoge…

Stay Happy, Stay Blessed..

Miss S 😄

Dear You,

When you think of me, remember me happily.

Remember the places we’ve been to and think of all the laughing we did- we always laughed quite a bit, didn’t we? and loved exploring new places ?

And then the creaky old broken branch which we sat at for hours on end. We talked and sometimes we didn’t. Sometimes the silence spoke. The love spoke when you wiped my tears over my broken heart or when I got possesive.

Remember the songs that we sang and listened together and the crazyness. We were always in such a hurry back then, weren’t we?

Remember the cream shirt? Sometimes, I wear it and think of you, think of happier times.

Remember my room and the memories of watching my old photographs.

Remember me telling you my dreams of painting, writing and listening to your broken heart when Naruto ended.

Remember your green t-shirt. Why it makes us both smile

 

Remember the earrings from Jaipur.. and how everything still smells of you.

Remember walking by the sea- that’s where I always found myself, still do. You let me be and kept quiet because you always knew talking would be wrong, just then.

Remember the chocolates and cups of morning tea. I never ate any because I thought they were too sweet and somehow you thought they were just right.

Remember the story of the food being unsalted. Somehow that day seems blurred now. It’s like there was no one else except you and me.

Remember when you got drunk on half a bottle of whiskey and held on me. And when you were low because you wanted someone special, I told you I’ll always be there and you brushed me off. But, didn’t you see? You were always my someone special. Remember the places we went to and the irani cakes. I can’t go there and not think of you. Remember the rain. And how it would cheer us up. You’d ask me to carry an umbrella and I never would. I’d get wet and then complain about the cold. And then about how our places to sit were wet.
I don’t say too much to you anymore. And I think of you only when someone else mentions you. when I see a how you would like. When I hear a song. When I look down from my balcony. When I breathe.. But then letting go is all you asked me to do and I WOULD LET YOU GO..
Even though you may mean the world to me..your world is not mine to be.

Best relationship..

Some weeks back, on a rather slow sad day I just wanted to step out of home, meet a friend, talk over a coffee and call it a day. So, I called some friends. One by one. About 5 of them. Turned out, all of them were busy due to work or personal reasons and couldn’t meet. That was the last straw to make my mood to go for a toss. I can’t begin to tell you how upset I was that evening. It was like I wanted to talk to a friend and there was no one. Then I just took out on my own. Went out for a walk around the office building. There were so many thoughts in my head. I knew I couldn’t blame any of the friends for not turning up for I had not told them I was in a bad mood and besides, they all were busy. That evening got me thinking. Until the next incident.

Another time, I set out to meet a friend in another part of the city after work which was very late in the night. Turned out that person got stuck up somewhere and couldn’t make it. It was pretty late in the night, another corner of Mumbai and I had no one to turn to. To decode some sense of what had just happened, I sat in a coffee shop alone forcing myself to come out of denial, confront my feelings and accept them. That night was the final nail in the coffin.

I realized I was a sadist, putting myself in pain every time and enjoying that pain, those tears. Every single time. I realized I didn’t love myself enough. I realized I was always seeking happiness in things beyond my control. I realized I was too dependent on others to make me happy and I was always looking for assurance from people.

I then understood the meaning of the best relationship you will ever have is with your own self. Yes, you need friends and family, random strangers and acquaintances to teach you lessons, to be around you and support you when you need it. But come to think of it, in the end it will always be your life, your problem, your pain and your struggle.

Some lessons that life, people and experiences have taught me:

•    Let go of relationships that drain you emotionally. It’s easier said than done but if you do it, you will find more time for yourself
•    Listen to your hunch. It will never betray you
•    Spend time with yourself. Just you and you alone
•    It is ok to be selfish
•    If it makes you happy and you can answer yourself, do whatever you like
•    Nobody is perfect. It is important to stay positive and confident of yourself always. Never ever lower your guards
•    Time is really precious. You decide how you want to spend the hours after work or weekends
•    Don’t say yes to everything
•    Surround yourself with people who love you and that will enrich your life in a way you wouldn’t know
•    Remind yourself every moment that you are doing good

I am no great shakes when it comes to following it all but I am trying. And that is very important. Yes, trying is important. Atleast I am aware now.

There is this last scene in Sex and the City last episode, last season. I may have watched it so many times but that dialogue makes sense now. It goes like:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

So chop chop people! Let’s start a fabulous day with a fabulous you! 🙂

I DON’T LIKE…

I don’t like when my Subway is not toasted even when I tell them to “toast it’ a quarter of a million times.
I don’t like that it’s so hot. in July. Urgh !!
I don’t like people telling me to ‘Relax’ or even worse ‘Chill’. I just can’t stand it.
I don’t like people typing ‘LyK ThEeS’. Lyk.. I Mean Like Really ?
I don’t like people who are all cynical about everything. Bloody rational thinkers.
I don’t like how I have bad luck with everything right now.
I don’t like the smell of my hair right now. or for that matter, I don’t like my hair now.
I don’t like how people act like they’re talking about general stuff, but they’re actually talking about you and when you’re open enough to ask them if it’s you they act all hoity-toity and reply in the most patronizing voice imaginable, ‘Don’t over-analyze things’. No. I’m just saying. You know? Generally.
I don’t like stupid Facebook spam and candy crush requests.
I don’t like sexist people. Those ‘women in the kitchen’ types. ‘Make me a sandwich’ jokes will not be appreciated or entertained.
I don’t like that I don’t to ride a bike.
I don’t like how I don’t write happy stuff all that much anymore.
I don’t like how Flipkart has made me stop going to bookstores. It was the only kind of shopping I actually liked.
I don’t like eating at home. I want spaghetti. Or lasagne. Arrabiatta Pasta.
I don’t like people giving me a hard time for being a vegetarian.
I don’t like how no one else has heard Bridge Over Troubled Waters.
I don’t like Waiting for this phase to get over. Wait. That would be an understatement.
I don’t like people running for cover every time there’s a problem and saying things like ‘You’ve done it too’. It makes me question a lot of things, worsens my bad moods and makes me write like this.
I don’t like having a very few people to talk to and then not being able to talk to them.
I don’t like when I rely on others to love me and then them falling out of love with Me. I used to be the ‘ Main apni favourite hun’ girl. Shucks !
P.S. This isn’t directed towards anyone specific. Please don’t over analyze and think that it is. It’s really, really not. Okay?

It’s rambling of my head..

When I wake up…

Rather like a dream on waking;

In moments where wakefulness itself is unaware of being,

I reach out for you content in half knowledge

and bokeh memories that disperse with light.

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