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Maybe it wasn’t supposed to go this way. Not end like this. Maybe this wasn’t where she was supposed to be. Maybe some place else, maybe not alone.
The coffee had gone cold and it lay long forgotten. Just like so many other coffees did. With so many people. It lay unfinished. Like so many other things did. With so many people.
She looked at it for a while more and then started to drink it.
She looked out of the window for a while more.
And then she left.

Dear You,

When you think of me, remember me happily.

Remember the places we’ve been to and think of all the laughing we did- we always laughed quite a bit, didn’t we? and loved exploring new places ?

And then the creaky old broken branch which we sat at for hours on end. We talked and sometimes we didn’t. Sometimes the silence spoke. The love spoke when you wiped my tears over my broken heart or when I got possesive.

Remember the songs that we sang and listened together and the crazyness. We were always in such a hurry back then, weren’t we?

Remember the cream shirt? Sometimes, I wear it and think of you, think of happier times.

Remember my room and the memories of watching my old photographs.

Remember me telling you my dreams of painting, writing and listening to your broken heart when Naruto ended.

Remember your green t-shirt. Why it makes us both smile

 

Remember the earrings from Jaipur.. and how everything still smells of you.

Remember walking by the sea- that’s where I always found myself, still do. You let me be and kept quiet because you always knew talking would be wrong, just then.

Remember the chocolates and cups of morning tea. I never ate any because I thought they were too sweet and somehow you thought they were just right.

Remember the story of the food being unsalted. Somehow that day seems blurred now. It’s like there was no one else except you and me.

Remember when you got drunk on half a bottle of whiskey and held on me. And when you were low because you wanted someone special, I told you I’ll always be there and you brushed me off. But, didn’t you see? You were always my someone special. Remember the places we went to and the irani cakes. I can’t go there and not think of you. Remember the rain. And how it would cheer us up. You’d ask me to carry an umbrella and I never would. I’d get wet and then complain about the cold. And then about how our places to sit were wet.
I don’t say too much to you anymore. And I think of you only when someone else mentions you. when I see a how you would like. When I hear a song. When I look down from my balcony. When I breathe.. But then letting go is all you asked me to do and I WOULD LET YOU GO..
Even though you may mean the world to me..your world is not mine to be.

Best relationship..

Some weeks back, on a rather slow sad day I just wanted to step out of home, meet a friend, talk over a coffee and call it a day. So, I called some friends. One by one. About 5 of them. Turned out, all of them were busy due to work or personal reasons and couldn’t meet. That was the last straw to make my mood to go for a toss. I can’t begin to tell you how upset I was that evening. It was like I wanted to talk to a friend and there was no one. Then I just took out on my own. Went out for a walk around the office building. There were so many thoughts in my head. I knew I couldn’t blame any of the friends for not turning up for I had not told them I was in a bad mood and besides, they all were busy. That evening got me thinking. Until the next incident.

Another time, I set out to meet a friend in another part of the city after work which was very late in the night. Turned out that person got stuck up somewhere and couldn’t make it. It was pretty late in the night, another corner of Mumbai and I had no one to turn to. To decode some sense of what had just happened, I sat in a coffee shop alone forcing myself to come out of denial, confront my feelings and accept them. That night was the final nail in the coffin.

I realized I was a sadist, putting myself in pain every time and enjoying that pain, those tears. Every single time. I realized I didn’t love myself enough. I realized I was always seeking happiness in things beyond my control. I realized I was too dependent on others to make me happy and I was always looking for assurance from people.

I then understood the meaning of the best relationship you will ever have is with your own self. Yes, you need friends and family, random strangers and acquaintances to teach you lessons, to be around you and support you when you need it. But come to think of it, in the end it will always be your life, your problem, your pain and your struggle.

Some lessons that life, people and experiences have taught me:

•    Let go of relationships that drain you emotionally. It’s easier said than done but if you do it, you will find more time for yourself
•    Listen to your hunch. It will never betray you
•    Spend time with yourself. Just you and you alone
•    It is ok to be selfish
•    If it makes you happy and you can answer yourself, do whatever you like
•    Nobody is perfect. It is important to stay positive and confident of yourself always. Never ever lower your guards
•    Time is really precious. You decide how you want to spend the hours after work or weekends
•    Don’t say yes to everything
•    Surround yourself with people who love you and that will enrich your life in a way you wouldn’t know
•    Remind yourself every moment that you are doing good

I am no great shakes when it comes to following it all but I am trying. And that is very important. Yes, trying is important. Atleast I am aware now.

There is this last scene in Sex and the City last episode, last season. I may have watched it so many times but that dialogue makes sense now. It goes like:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

So chop chop people! Let’s start a fabulous day with a fabulous you! 🙂

I DON’T LIKE…

I don’t like when my Subway is not toasted even when I tell them to “toast it’ a quarter of a million times.
I don’t like that it’s so hot. in July. Urgh !!
I don’t like people telling me to ‘Relax’ or even worse ‘Chill’. I just can’t stand it.
I don’t like people typing ‘LyK ThEeS’. Lyk.. I Mean Like Really ?
I don’t like people who are all cynical about everything. Bloody rational thinkers.
I don’t like how I have bad luck with everything right now.
I don’t like the smell of my hair right now. or for that matter, I don’t like my hair now.
I don’t like how people act like they’re talking about general stuff, but they’re actually talking about you and when you’re open enough to ask them if it’s you they act all hoity-toity and reply in the most patronizing voice imaginable, ‘Don’t over-analyze things’. No. I’m just saying. You know? Generally.
I don’t like stupid Facebook spam and candy crush requests.
I don’t like sexist people. Those ‘women in the kitchen’ types. ‘Make me a sandwich’ jokes will not be appreciated or entertained.
I don’t like that I don’t to ride a bike.
I don’t like how I don’t write happy stuff all that much anymore.
I don’t like how Flipkart has made me stop going to bookstores. It was the only kind of shopping I actually liked.
I don’t like eating at home. I want spaghetti. Or lasagne. Arrabiatta Pasta.
I don’t like people giving me a hard time for being a vegetarian.
I don’t like how no one else has heard Bridge Over Troubled Waters.
I don’t like Waiting for this phase to get over. Wait. That would be an understatement.
I don’t like people running for cover every time there’s a problem and saying things like ‘You’ve done it too’. It makes me question a lot of things, worsens my bad moods and makes me write like this.
I don’t like having a very few people to talk to and then not being able to talk to them.
I don’t like when I rely on others to love me and then them falling out of love with Me. I used to be the ‘ Main apni favourite hun’ girl. Shucks !
P.S. This isn’t directed towards anyone specific. Please don’t over analyze and think that it is. It’s really, really not. Okay?

It’s rambling of my head..

Think of me when..

Think of me when you watch the big waves wash over the beach in their futile attempt to reconcile with the sky… of how i told you that I love that sound..

Of how excitedly I told you – of Movies.. of Monica and Chandler..of Castle…the dialogues

Stories of all that I loved and lost. And those of hope and love.

Stories of how my heart was broken and how you’d tell me that you hate the one who did it..

Think of me and how I could never hate. How I gave people benefit of doubt and you hated it !

Think of how I wrote you love letters. Blogs.

Think of me when you see that watch.. and when you see rings in a shop.. how much I loved them..

Think of me when you see a temple/church/mosque..

Tell your children I was wonderful. That I would’ve told them of Harry Potter and magic and Books, if I met them. Of Shahrukh Khan and Tangled..

Think of me when you smell old paper. Remember that I told you of how it smells amazing.

Think of me when you hear the names ‘Kabir’ and ‘Kiara’

Think of me when someone would sleep in your lap..

When you climb on to the tallest tower or back your car into the driveway, catch a whiff of my perfume and feel silly..

Think of me when you see a dog passing and there is no-one to be scared and holding your hands tight..

Climb on to the middle of the garden we sat. Laugh because you can’t help musing over how we did that and spoke about everything possible.. when we were…

Remember me crying as Krish and Ananya got married in 2 States..

Think of me when you hear I wanna grow old with you..

Think of me when someone played truth and dare with you..

The breezy cold wind in Lonavala and the stolen kiss.. and the voice of the koyal, the way I did it..

Remember the stories of wanting to travel the world.. trips to Spain..dart-game destination..

Think of me when you see a Sunset..

Think of me when a hot girl passes you and i’d have pinched for checking her out..

Think of me when you hear someone playing Antakshari and remember your own radio..

Remember the poems i told you.. dil tod tujhe jaane ki ijazzat aaj bhi hai..

Remember the lovers and poets, the dreamers. Think of the wishes of Forever and my fingers dancing on your palm..

Remember me when you see beautifully lights and lamps and remember how I wanted to do our house..

Remember when you see people hugging..

Let waves of nostalgia wash over you as you dance to Kabhi Kabhi, with a different woman in your arms. Wonder what if.

Reminisce about old bridges and skipping pebbles. Of Us and your forgotten love.

Wonder where I am. If I’m happy.
And then forget. Like you always do.
Only to remember again.

When words don’t come easy :(

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.”–James Earl Jones

I love words. I really do. I love how they flow,they twist, they tease.They have the power of conveying the truest of feelings, the most fragile impressions.But they don’t come easy to me. They never do.There is so much i have to say, write. All the mass of untold feelings, makes my heart so heavy, makes me want to scream in despair. I feel helpless. There are millions of untold contemplations that yearn to be uttered. They gather in my mind like dark clouds on a seashore.Beautifully knitted emotions in my head, waiting to be unleashed.I want to say it all.Out loud. But words deceive me. They never come out at the right time.They get lost.Ridiculously loud in my head, but not here..not to the one i want to say.. They roar out loud on the cusp of twilight.But no, not when they are supposed to. Never.They will be like those words that we write on the sand. And then we watch patiently as the sea fades them away. Stupid words.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst –
Words, words, or I shall burst.
Arggh. I have so much to say to a certain someone. But i cant. bcuz Jo bhi main, kehna chahu barbaad kare alfaz mere  Yes.Writing is not only the thing i suck at. I am awful at talking too. Words deceive me here too! And then the whole procedure of talking is so exhausting…and so is the procedure of making someone understand. So, then i shut up, and wait for being misinterpreted, Quietly. And then,that is the end.

Broken Me !!

Beginnings and endings,
Mornings and nights.
Smiles and sorrows,
Thoughts and words.
Dreams and reality,
Love and hate.
Here and there,
In and out.
High and low
Together and alone.
As Opposites they are together
Yet Different from each other.
Not meant to be…

A glass half filled,
Is also half empty.
To each there is more
‘One’ stands incomplete.
You fill me up,
Yet a part remains empty.
You’re the sunshine,
I’m the darkness deep.

The space isn’t between us,
It is within me.
How can something broken
Ever Be Whole & Complete?

A fresh page you are,
But I’m the broken pen.
How can you write a song
That has no melody?

I am but a broken mirror
How can I reflect Beauty?
If you come too close,
I’ll cut a wound deep.

I’ve said this once,
I’ll say it again.
I am in love with you,
Truly!
But you should leave.
There is still time,
Walk away from me.
Or all you’ll be left with
Is a Broken Me.

There’s nothing left of me now….

There is nothing left of me now …..
..there ‘s just the shadow of the days gone by…don’t know when you’ll be back…if you will be back ever..will you still look for me..if you do.. will you still find me … wonder if I would become a wall ..Or perhaps a creeper…
There’s nothing left of me now …I know now for sure …but perhaps there is just a little bit left to let you know that I once existed.

P.S : I need to distract myself off something today.. So I am posting anything and everything I can today..

For my Bestiee :-)

I wrote this ages back and now you are all I have.. I am being thankful for you again..

—————————————————————————-

She is My Best Friend..
My Goofy..
Loves Dancing..Her Specialty is Item Numbers ( Current Favourite would be any rapchik item number)..
She is insanely addicted to Grey’s Anatomy.. I remember her feeling tragic over George’s death.. 😦

Thinks a lot.. Or more than a lot &  comes up with the Craziest Conclusions.. Somethings Never Change !

But Most of the times (Read : Alwaysss) she is everything I need in a friend..

Most of the times She is my Family..She is my only family now

Most of the times her stupidity is what keeps me going.. and her strength.. and her belief.. and her support..

Most of the times she is the Girl who makes me Smile 🙂

Who loves me when I hate the world !

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