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Secretive Writer

Random Ramblings .. I write.. I live… I love..

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Maybe it wasn’t supposed to go this way. Not end like this. Maybe this wasn’t where she was supposed to be. Maybe some place else, maybe not alone.
The coffee had gone cold and it lay long forgotten. Just like so many other coffees did. With so many people. It lay unfinished. Like so many other things did. With so many people.
She looked at it for a while more and then started to drink it.
She looked out of the window for a while more.
And then she left.

Little Nonsense

I’m the kinda girl who’ll want to take walks on empty streets in the middle of the night with ice cream and a little bit of company. The kind who’ll go to bookstores and scan around and buy a lot of books at one point and then none at all. I am not one bit sporting when I lose and I get so cranky that every one wants to chuck stuff at me. I’m the kind who’d want to make my house from flea market shopping. I get disappointed when people die in films and books and I get anxious when people lose love, even if it’s fiction. I cry a lot when I watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Anjali realises it’s Tina he’s in love with. I don’t cry when genuinely not-so-nice things happen to me, till a point. I love swings. I will definitely have in my house. When I read or think, I twirl a strand of my hair on the top of my head.
Jannat songs make me sick. It just reminds me of a bad phase of my life.
I hate those nail cracking..noise.. the noise of chalk on the board.. you know what I mean.. my teeth start crackling.. Urgh !
People clicking me makes me feel very, very conscious.
I love white.
I’m addicted to Candy Crush. I’ve always wanted to do an oil painting with warm colours. Spicy Tangy food is my favourite things.
I don’t think ‘I Love You’s should be thrown around because they just mean way too much. Too much !
I hate Beer. I like brightly coloured umbrellas. I think i am loving to cook . I believe in soulmates, just not the forever part. I love glitter pens and coloured tapes and craft paper. I love stationery.
I like my Subway with cheese melted on the inside, not toasted, just melted. With LOT OF lettuce, cucumber, only two slices of tomatoes, lot of capsicum, onions, too much jalepeno peppers and no olives.. with lots of Southwest, Mint , Barbeque Sauce and lots of Sweet Onion. 
Just in case anyone wants to buy me one. 🙂
P.s : I was just too bored. I have written too much about him. So to divert myself, a little randomness about me 🙂

Best relationship..

Some weeks back, on a rather slow sad day I just wanted to step out of home, meet a friend, talk over a coffee and call it a day. So, I called some friends. One by one. About 5 of them. Turned out, all of them were busy due to work or personal reasons and couldn’t meet. That was the last straw to make my mood to go for a toss. I can’t begin to tell you how upset I was that evening. It was like I wanted to talk to a friend and there was no one. Then I just took out on my own. Went out for a walk around the office building. There were so many thoughts in my head. I knew I couldn’t blame any of the friends for not turning up for I had not told them I was in a bad mood and besides, they all were busy. That evening got me thinking. Until the next incident.

Another time, I set out to meet a friend in another part of the city after work which was very late in the night. Turned out that person got stuck up somewhere and couldn’t make it. It was pretty late in the night, another corner of Mumbai and I had no one to turn to. To decode some sense of what had just happened, I sat in a coffee shop alone forcing myself to come out of denial, confront my feelings and accept them. That night was the final nail in the coffin.

I realized I was a sadist, putting myself in pain every time and enjoying that pain, those tears. Every single time. I realized I didn’t love myself enough. I realized I was always seeking happiness in things beyond my control. I realized I was too dependent on others to make me happy and I was always looking for assurance from people.

I then understood the meaning of the best relationship you will ever have is with your own self. Yes, you need friends and family, random strangers and acquaintances to teach you lessons, to be around you and support you when you need it. But come to think of it, in the end it will always be your life, your problem, your pain and your struggle.

Some lessons that life, people and experiences have taught me:

•    Let go of relationships that drain you emotionally. It’s easier said than done but if you do it, you will find more time for yourself
•    Listen to your hunch. It will never betray you
•    Spend time with yourself. Just you and you alone
•    It is ok to be selfish
•    If it makes you happy and you can answer yourself, do whatever you like
•    Nobody is perfect. It is important to stay positive and confident of yourself always. Never ever lower your guards
•    Time is really precious. You decide how you want to spend the hours after work or weekends
•    Don’t say yes to everything
•    Surround yourself with people who love you and that will enrich your life in a way you wouldn’t know
•    Remind yourself every moment that you are doing good

I am no great shakes when it comes to following it all but I am trying. And that is very important. Yes, trying is important. Atleast I am aware now.

There is this last scene in Sex and the City last episode, last season. I may have watched it so many times but that dialogue makes sense now. It goes like:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

So chop chop people! Let’s start a fabulous day with a fabulous you! 🙂

I DON’T LIKE…

I don’t like when my Subway is not toasted even when I tell them to “toast it’ a quarter of a million times.
I don’t like that it’s so hot. in July. Urgh !!
I don’t like people telling me to ‘Relax’ or even worse ‘Chill’. I just can’t stand it.
I don’t like people typing ‘LyK ThEeS’. Lyk.. I Mean Like Really ?
I don’t like people who are all cynical about everything. Bloody rational thinkers.
I don’t like how I have bad luck with everything right now.
I don’t like the smell of my hair right now. or for that matter, I don’t like my hair now.
I don’t like how people act like they’re talking about general stuff, but they’re actually talking about you and when you’re open enough to ask them if it’s you they act all hoity-toity and reply in the most patronizing voice imaginable, ‘Don’t over-analyze things’. No. I’m just saying. You know? Generally.
I don’t like stupid Facebook spam and candy crush requests.
I don’t like sexist people. Those ‘women in the kitchen’ types. ‘Make me a sandwich’ jokes will not be appreciated or entertained.
I don’t like that I don’t to ride a bike.
I don’t like how I don’t write happy stuff all that much anymore.
I don’t like how Flipkart has made me stop going to bookstores. It was the only kind of shopping I actually liked.
I don’t like eating at home. I want spaghetti. Or lasagne. Arrabiatta Pasta.
I don’t like people giving me a hard time for being a vegetarian.
I don’t like how no one else has heard Bridge Over Troubled Waters.
I don’t like Waiting for this phase to get over. Wait. That would be an understatement.
I don’t like people running for cover every time there’s a problem and saying things like ‘You’ve done it too’. It makes me question a lot of things, worsens my bad moods and makes me write like this.
I don’t like having a very few people to talk to and then not being able to talk to them.
I don’t like when I rely on others to love me and then them falling out of love with Me. I used to be the ‘ Main apni favourite hun’ girl. Shucks !
P.S. This isn’t directed towards anyone specific. Please don’t over analyze and think that it is. It’s really, really not. Okay?

It’s rambling of my head..

When I wake up…

Rather like a dream on waking;

In moments where wakefulness itself is unaware of being,

I reach out for you content in half knowledge

and bokeh memories that disperse with light.

Think of me when..

Think of me when you watch the big waves wash over the beach in their futile attempt to reconcile with the sky… of how i told you that I love that sound..

Of how excitedly I told you – of Movies.. of Monica and Chandler..of Castle…the dialogues

Stories of all that I loved and lost. And those of hope and love.

Stories of how my heart was broken and how you’d tell me that you hate the one who did it..

Think of me and how I could never hate. How I gave people benefit of doubt and you hated it !

Think of how I wrote you love letters. Blogs.

Think of me when you see that watch.. and when you see rings in a shop.. how much I loved them..

Think of me when you see a temple/church/mosque..

Tell your children I was wonderful. That I would’ve told them of Harry Potter and magic and Books, if I met them. Of Shahrukh Khan and Tangled..

Think of me when you smell old paper. Remember that I told you of how it smells amazing.

Think of me when you hear the names ‘Kabir’ and ‘Kiara’

Think of me when someone would sleep in your lap..

When you climb on to the tallest tower or back your car into the driveway, catch a whiff of my perfume and feel silly..

Think of me when you see a dog passing and there is no-one to be scared and holding your hands tight..

Climb on to the middle of the garden we sat. Laugh because you can’t help musing over how we did that and spoke about everything possible.. when we were…

Remember me crying as Krish and Ananya got married in 2 States..

Think of me when you hear I wanna grow old with you..

Think of me when someone played truth and dare with you..

The breezy cold wind in Lonavala and the stolen kiss.. and the voice of the koyal, the way I did it..

Remember the stories of wanting to travel the world.. trips to Spain..dart-game destination..

Think of me when you see a Sunset..

Think of me when a hot girl passes you and i’d have pinched for checking her out..

Think of me when you hear someone playing Antakshari and remember your own radio..

Remember the poems i told you.. dil tod tujhe jaane ki ijazzat aaj bhi hai..

Remember the lovers and poets, the dreamers. Think of the wishes of Forever and my fingers dancing on your palm..

Remember me when you see beautifully lights and lamps and remember how I wanted to do our house..

Remember when you see people hugging..

Let waves of nostalgia wash over you as you dance to Kabhi Kabhi, with a different woman in your arms. Wonder what if.

Reminisce about old bridges and skipping pebbles. Of Us and your forgotten love.

Wonder where I am. If I’m happy.
And then forget. Like you always do.
Only to remember again.

When words don’t come easy :(

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.”–James Earl Jones

I love words. I really do. I love how they flow,they twist, they tease.They have the power of conveying the truest of feelings, the most fragile impressions.But they don’t come easy to me. They never do.There is so much i have to say, write. All the mass of untold feelings, makes my heart so heavy, makes me want to scream in despair. I feel helpless. There are millions of untold contemplations that yearn to be uttered. They gather in my mind like dark clouds on a seashore.Beautifully knitted emotions in my head, waiting to be unleashed.I want to say it all.Out loud. But words deceive me. They never come out at the right time.They get lost.Ridiculously loud in my head, but not here..not to the one i want to say.. They roar out loud on the cusp of twilight.But no, not when they are supposed to. Never.They will be like those words that we write on the sand. And then we watch patiently as the sea fades them away. Stupid words.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst –
Words, words, or I shall burst.
Arggh. I have so much to say to a certain someone. But i cant. bcuz Jo bhi main, kehna chahu barbaad kare alfaz mere  Yes.Writing is not only the thing i suck at. I am awful at talking too. Words deceive me here too! And then the whole procedure of talking is so exhausting…and so is the procedure of making someone understand. So, then i shut up, and wait for being misinterpreted, Quietly. And then,that is the end.

How I have changed..

These days, I am quite on the “looking back, looking forward” mode. I ended up reading so many of my old posts as part of motivating myself to write again, and honestly, I can’t even imagine the person who wrote them! How simply I approached life…well I still want to believe it was a good thing, but life has a way of shaking you up and forcing you out of your comfort zone ever so often…its like complacency of any sort is a crime against life itself!
From being a carefree happy-go-lucky person living one minute/day at a time, I now find myself a constant worrier, apprehensive of the future, wanting to plan each and every event in my life to an extent that there is no room for surprises.

Where I was once a careless spender, now I am a diligent saver. While I used to spend time drooling over travel destinations in a former life, I now spend that time on trolling the DDA website in the hope of buying a house!

How and when I became this paranoid I have no idea, perhaps it just happened with time and life events that forced me to rethink my whole outlook towards life and the way I have been living it. I dislike being on a constant run, I just don’t have the energy or mind for it. I find myself obsessing over “settling”, and just building something in one spot as opposed to unravelling all over the place.

I worry, I worry and I continue to worry. When I get tired of worrying, I worry about that too.

I was sharing with a friend recently, I can’t imagine the chirpy bubbly person I once was, and if I were to meet that self again, with my current state of mind, they’d perhaps earn one tight slap from me…

Does that make ANY sense? Perhaps not. But well, that’s how it is for now!

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What if I don’t wake up tomorrow ?

For more than a month now , I have been sleeping with a hope of not getting up the next day..

and then today morning, When I felt really alone.. I thought to myself.. Is this ME ?

I have been someone who fought and did not wish for a easier way-out ever.. So, today instead of hoping that I don’t get up ..I thought of what if I really don’t wake up tomorrow ?

What will happen to the dreams I yet have to full-fill.. dreams of painting walls around the world, or becoming a home-chef..

What will happen to the unfinished stories in my head and the blank pages of my diary ?

What will happen to my hard-earned CA Degree ?

What about the people I forgot to confess my love to or the chances I never took ?

What about the places I am yet to see and the books I have never read ?

What about the life I wanted to cherish and the home that I wanted to build.. the wishes yet to be full-filled and the ones that I still have to make ?

Its’s not about the suffering of my family or the emptiness in the life of the Man I love.. The vacuum in the life of people who love me… It’s about Me !

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