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Secretive Writer

Random Ramblings .. I write.. I live… I love..

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Relationships

Best relationship..

Some weeks back, on a rather slow sad day I just wanted to step out of home, meet a friend, talk over a coffee and call it a day. So, I called some friends. One by one. About 5 of them. Turned out, all of them were busy due to work or personal reasons and couldn’t meet. That was the last straw to make my mood to go for a toss. I can’t begin to tell you how upset I was that evening. It was like I wanted to talk to a friend and there was no one. Then I just took out on my own. Went out for a walk around the office building. There were so many thoughts in my head. I knew I couldn’t blame any of the friends for not turning up for I had not told them I was in a bad mood and besides, they all were busy. That evening got me thinking. Until the next incident.

Another time, I set out to meet a friend in another part of the city after work which was very late in the night. Turned out that person got stuck up somewhere and couldn’t make it. It was pretty late in the night, another corner of Mumbai and I had no one to turn to. To decode some sense of what had just happened, I sat in a coffee shop alone forcing myself to come out of denial, confront my feelings and accept them. That night was the final nail in the coffin.

I realized I was a sadist, putting myself in pain every time and enjoying that pain, those tears. Every single time. I realized I didn’t love myself enough. I realized I was always seeking happiness in things beyond my control. I realized I was too dependent on others to make me happy and I was always looking for assurance from people.

I then understood the meaning of the best relationship you will ever have is with your own self. Yes, you need friends and family, random strangers and acquaintances to teach you lessons, to be around you and support you when you need it. But come to think of it, in the end it will always be your life, your problem, your pain and your struggle.

Some lessons that life, people and experiences have taught me:

•    Let go of relationships that drain you emotionally. It’s easier said than done but if you do it, you will find more time for yourself
•    Listen to your hunch. It will never betray you
•    Spend time with yourself. Just you and you alone
•    It is ok to be selfish
•    If it makes you happy and you can answer yourself, do whatever you like
•    Nobody is perfect. It is important to stay positive and confident of yourself always. Never ever lower your guards
•    Time is really precious. You decide how you want to spend the hours after work or weekends
•    Don’t say yes to everything
•    Surround yourself with people who love you and that will enrich your life in a way you wouldn’t know
•    Remind yourself every moment that you are doing good

I am no great shakes when it comes to following it all but I am trying. And that is very important. Yes, trying is important. Atleast I am aware now.

There is this last scene in Sex and the City last episode, last season. I may have watched it so many times but that dialogue makes sense now. It goes like:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

So chop chop people! Let’s start a fabulous day with a fabulous you! 🙂

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Quote – I can’t have you, but I long for you..

While I can’t have you, I long for you. I am the kind of person who would miss a train or a plane to meet you for coffee. I’d take a taxi across town to see you for ten minutes. I’d wait outside all night if I thought you would open the door in the morning. If you call me and say ‘Will you…’ my answer is ‘Yes’, before your sentence is out. I spin worlds where we could be together. I dream you. For me, imagination and desire are very close.
~ Jeanette Winterson

 

Think of me when..

Think of me when you watch the big waves wash over the beach in their futile attempt to reconcile with the sky… of how i told you that I love that sound..

Of how excitedly I told you – of Movies.. of Monica and Chandler..of Castle…the dialogues

Stories of all that I loved and lost. And those of hope and love.

Stories of how my heart was broken and how you’d tell me that you hate the one who did it..

Think of me and how I could never hate. How I gave people benefit of doubt and you hated it !

Think of how I wrote you love letters. Blogs.

Think of me when you see that watch.. and when you see rings in a shop.. how much I loved them..

Think of me when you see a temple/church/mosque..

Tell your children I was wonderful. That I would’ve told them of Harry Potter and magic and Books, if I met them. Of Shahrukh Khan and Tangled..

Think of me when you smell old paper. Remember that I told you of how it smells amazing.

Think of me when you hear the names ‘Kabir’ and ‘Kiara’

Think of me when someone would sleep in your lap..

When you climb on to the tallest tower or back your car into the driveway, catch a whiff of my perfume and feel silly..

Think of me when you see a dog passing and there is no-one to be scared and holding your hands tight..

Climb on to the middle of the garden we sat. Laugh because you can’t help musing over how we did that and spoke about everything possible.. when we were…

Remember me crying as Krish and Ananya got married in 2 States..

Think of me when you hear I wanna grow old with you..

Think of me when someone played truth and dare with you..

The breezy cold wind in Lonavala and the stolen kiss.. and the voice of the koyal, the way I did it..

Remember the stories of wanting to travel the world.. trips to Spain..dart-game destination..

Think of me when you see a Sunset..

Think of me when a hot girl passes you and i’d have pinched for checking her out..

Think of me when you hear someone playing Antakshari and remember your own radio..

Remember the poems i told you.. dil tod tujhe jaane ki ijazzat aaj bhi hai..

Remember the lovers and poets, the dreamers. Think of the wishes of Forever and my fingers dancing on your palm..

Remember me when you see beautifully lights and lamps and remember how I wanted to do our house..

Remember when you see people hugging..

Let waves of nostalgia wash over you as you dance to Kabhi Kabhi, with a different woman in your arms. Wonder what if.

Reminisce about old bridges and skipping pebbles. Of Us and your forgotten love.

Wonder where I am. If I’m happy.
And then forget. Like you always do.
Only to remember again.

07th July.. The day I fell out of love from Lilies

I have loved white lilies..since I think the day I first saw them.. I was in 6th I think..

I have loved sea view since ever. . Worli sea face ..Marine drive .. My peace..

I have loved hugs.. who doesn’t ? But I am.a big fan..it heals..

My smell .. I have always loved my perfume.. I have been buyinng the same brand for years now..

My hair. . I have loved my hair from the time you loved it…

And 07th July 2015..I fell out of love from all these..
Everything was a reminder of what was there and what’s gone..
What we used to be and what you made us to be..

Stay Happy, Stay Blessed..

Miss S 😄

Moving on..

याद हैं मुझे वो गुज़रा ज़माना

रोज़ तेरी ज़रा ज़रा सी बात याद किया करते थे,
और मुस्कुरा देते थे,
ज़रा ज़रा संभल संभल के मोहब्बत की थी,
तेरी हर भूल को सही साबित करने को
कोई वजह ढूंढ लिया करते थे..
झूठ खुद से जाने कितनी बार कहा था, मगर..

जिस झूठ से कुछ भला हो वो कहाँ बुरा है,
यही सोच के खुद को समझाया करते थे |
कुछ जोश था, कुछ तड़प, कुछ बेचैनी थी उन मासूम पलों में
मज़े में थी, मगर फिर भी, ज़िन्दगी मुश्किल हो चली थी
पिछले कुछ दिनों में,

रोज़ तुझे ज़रा ज़रा सा भुलाया है,
ज़रा ज़रा सी तुझ से नफरत की है
तुझे हर कदम पे इलज़ाम देने को
कुछ न कुछ वजह ढूंढ ली है
जानते हैं की ये नफरत, ये इलज़ाम सब झूठ ही है, मगर
वो झूठ जिस से कुछ भला हो, वो कहाँ बुरा है
यही सोच के खुद को तसल्ली दी है |
नजाने कैसी अजब सी शान्ति है, इस झूठे खेल में
मज़े में हो न हो, ज़िन्दगी मगर अब आसान हो चली है |

किसी को पीछे छोड़ना, कहीं से आगे बढ़ना, शायद अब आसान हो चला है….

P.S : This is not written by me.. I found this in my old word file, I probably had read it somewhere and saved it.. It’s beautiful and that is why i am posting it here..
ab asaan ho chala hai 🙂

To Belong…

I walk and stare at this growing abstraction in my life.
I’ve never stopped and seen..
always overlooked, and this day, it comes right at me.
Faltering and crashing
Like the waves of an ugly beach.
Littered and shallow,
Death be his foe, and I his friend.
I’ve never walked this beach before,
And the place seems new.
The routes all wrong,
And the wind turns around.
Stagnation and sorrow are my only friends,
Playing the Devil’s advocate,
Right in my head.
If only I knew, how to just run,
Walk through the soft sands of what was once
A land of mine
A place I belonged to
Wherein love and lust
Intertwined as two
Where happiness was permanent
And sorrow at bay
Where the lonely boats smiled
Leaving pain astray
Where the shallowness of life
Was replaced by the depths of passion
Where the single human eye
Found her reflection
Where she saw all his dreams
And they lived a life together
Where they knew even if the stream
Fell down to a river
And the river to the waterfall edge
They stood hand in hand
Heads held up
And faith in their heart.
They knew that one leap
Made all the difference
In death the bitterness of life
Never mattered on infliction
It was the strength of the supreme
The valor of love
That pulled two souls out together
Out of convulsed rapids, forever.

“Ever carried anyone’s heart with yours?”

“Ever carried anyone’s heart with yours?”.

Mine..

Some moments are real,
some are fake,
some stories actually happen,
and some we make…
if every good thing
has been said and done,
wonder would life still gift us those treasure of fun 🙂
while everybody were looking
for the best thing they can find,
i would hold you and say,
“i would ve found you even if i was blind.”
Some people love,
some people hate,
some people beleive this life isnt perfect,
some think the the key is just to wait.
while nations cary out war..,
i scream “cheers” with you
for this day at our hangout bar 🙂
some say the future is dark,
some say its not,
some live in their past,
some are so glad that it didn’t last.
i listen to them confused,
what is comin up next ???
you tap my head and say “relax..!!
tommorow is coming with something new and best”
hmmmmm..
so whats the moral,
what am i trying to say here?
i seem to have lost my sense and nothing is really clear
confusion wraps me up,
somebody please get me
another glass of wine (It would make the poem rhyme..so)…!!!!
and that time may test us,
but I know for sure that you are all mine 🙂

R for Rains #AtoZChallenge

15th May 2014..

As always she needed her sign. “God ! Do I take this ahead. I like him.. more than that actually.. but long-run this is going to be complicated.. so, temme.. Gimme a sign ! Do I take this ahead :)”

She met him. They went to this particular spot .. her favourite place in Mumbai ! She had been there before.. She had in-her-own-way loved before.. But this .. it was not like before.. it was so different.. this love was special.. in a way it was forever.. she knew how difficult this relationship could be.. But she wanted to give this a shot, but wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do.. for herself and most importantly for him..

She had wanted to hug him.. but didn’t know if she should.. Cause it would change things between them forever..midst of all this thots.. a drop fell from the sky.. and their there was another.. and then it rained.. (Drizzled to be more specific !) .

It felt as if it had just rained for her.. Rains were her favourite thing in the world.. and it rained in May.. It was her sign.. and within a micro-moment.. She hugged him..

He Exclaimed with a mixture of Shock and Excitement.. She couldn’t stop smiling.. “shit ! I made the first move.. what if its not what he wants 😦 “

On the way back.. she looked at the watch that she had gifted him the night before.. “I like the watch, its nice..na?” 

“Yeah! I love it !  more than that I love the girl who gave it to me”

and that night he told her he loved her.. and she did too.. and it might have not rained a lot that day.. but it definitely rained love.. for them 🙂

15th May 2019..

She looks at the sea.. It is the same.. like it was five years back.. but everything else had changed. Tjat day she had found the person she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with.. But life had its own plans.. Circumstances made her maintain unwanted distances with him. She was now living alone in Himachal Pradesh. But on this day every-year, she came to Bombay ! She came to the area where it had all begun, but not the same spot..

She was not sure if he would be there.. what if  he wasn’t ? what if he had moved on.. She had wanted to meet him but was scared that the last hope of being with him would die if he had moved on. She wanted to keep that alive.. she was scared to know the reality.. she had found her bliss in Ignorance.. but still, she knew it couldn’t go on like this forever.. So she prayed every year.. for a sign..

She was reliving those memories again.. when a droplet from the sky fell on her hand.. another one on her cheek.. she looked up with tears in here eyes.. It was Raining.. It was Raining !

With a nervous smile on her face.. and rainwater and tears  flowing from her face.. se walked.. for the first time in five years.. she walked towards the place that was her favourite place in the world..

Thanks to the un-expected rains.. the crowd had vanished.. but with rainy-blurred eyes she saw a man sitting at the same spot.. getting drenched..

She couldn’t see his face.. She walked closer.. close enough . His back was facing her.. but then she saw and smiled with all tears that had been treasured for all those years..

“That’s a nice watch you have. I like it. It’s nice na ? ” She choked, breaking down with all the happiness that this rain had given her.

He turned. Crying out of what was sheer -pure-happiness.. he muttered

“Yeah! I love it ! more than that I love the girl who gave it to me”

He hugged her before anything else could be said. They had waited too long for this.. The Rains stopped.. but their love had just begun !

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